G is for Gaiters. For many years only available in Red, now seen in a multitude of hues. However, the red versions have been scientifically proven to be indestructable, with probably 70 out of every 93 produced in the 70s still in use every weekend across bogs in the Berwyn, Dark Peak, Monadhliath and any other wet area you care to mention. It is generally agreed that the mid-late 20th century decline of the gaiter closely follows the fall in power of the trade union. Strange, but true, and yet another unexpected consequence of rampant capitalism.

V is for F. V is how the ‘F’ in Welsh should be pronounced. In Welsh, you need two effs to make an eff. Now that’s clear, anyone who still insists on saying ‘Tryffin’ can vuck off...

Y –Youth Hostels – Which have ventured so far from their original goal. You’re more likely to encounter a hairy biker than a hiking youth in them these days. Any youths will be found by the multitude – usually taking up 56 of the 57 beds in the hostel that you thought you were lucky to get a last minute bed in. More often than not, theyll be found outside playing football in the car park using renaults for goalposts while their teachers lock themselves in the common room with a well deserved bottle of single malt.

J has to be for Jelly Baby...

A Jelly baby that large would be over 500m tall and weight an extraordinary seventy million tonnes!

No humour, no ribbing, just pure adulation.....
They deserve an entry all their own.

K is for Kit – Loads and loads of shiny shiny stuff. Part of you anticipates the use of some new shiny shiny with more excitement than actually getting out on the hill. You’ll try the gear out in your garden if you have to. Boiling endless bilies of water and timing it (with and without windshield). Pitching the tarp in many configurations, using the clothes line as the main anchor point. Lying down next to the nasturtiums in a bivvy bag and Pied d'Elephant sleeping bag to see if it’s warm enough. If you’ve got ANYTHING titanium, then you know what I mean.

L is for Lightweight – that magical tag that’s put in front of all and any item of outdoor equipment, regardless of actual weight. If your kitchen scale spends more time in your gear cupboard then you know what i mean. If you’ve got a gear cupboard, then why am i bothering?

U is for Undisclosed Sum – what your most recent item of gear cost when asked by your other half... If it cost twice as much as the gear it replaced, then U is also for Ultralightweight.... then you’ll know what i mean...

Z is for zip. Wherever these may be, there will be a bit of fabric to catch in its teeth. Please god let it be fabric...

B – Has to be BEER... Despite science’s best efforts to produce a better recovery drink, Beer remains the one and only fluid suitable for replenishing the body and soul after a day on the hill. Not any old beer mind you, it has to be quality beer you can chew. Shandy on the other hand, is ideal as a mid-day drink on a ramble as a hydrating drink.

C – Is for Cantilever. That precariously balanced slab of rock on Glyder Fach that countless rambling clubs, school parties and university climbing societies have attempted to topple. Along with “Adam and Eve” and “git who walked in front of my camera on Snowdon” this is third in the trinity of essential cheesy snaps for any walking holidaymaker to Snowdonia.

F – Is for False Summit. Or Another F**** False Summit as it is more commonly known. These are the bane of the hill walker. Even previously well known hills, especially in mist, can suddenly turn traitor and keep you thinking you’re there.... but you’re not.... even.......close....

R – Ron Hill Tracksters. The legwear of legends. It is a fact that nobody wearing Ron Hill Tracksters can walk any slower than 6kph and never, ever slow down when they start going uphill. There are rumours that this is a property of the garment itself, that the wearer will magically speed up on the mountain. But woe to he who wears the enchanted leggings as if he is not worthy, he will be pushed to his limit and end up spent and useless.

W – Wizened old man... this is that gnarly, stick thin male of indeterminate age but certainly over seventy, who usually overtakes you no matter how fast you are walking or running up the hill. Usually dressed in 70’s style, occasionally with red socks and/or gaiters and always with a green haversack or knapsack. Ask him about his rucsac and he’ll look you straight in the eye and ask you what ya dithering at lad? As the saying goes – no matter how fast you are, there’s probably someone faster, and it’s usually Wizened Old Man.... And if he's in tracksters, forget it!

And because i'm so proud of the continuity between those two, i may be forgiven for adding the following which will just never fit in with anything else...

X – Xylophone. Someone once carried a piano and an organ up Ben Nevis. I challenge them to carry a xylophone up Snowdon... Whilst being played by Patrick Moore... I’ll pay to see that. We’ve had the singer from the Alarm singing on the top, and i’ve camped at Glaslyn listening to someone play a trumpet excrutiatingly badly on summit, so this shouldn’t be much different.